Oh, Baby

Sometimes I think I have something to write, then find out that what I had thought to write was not worth the paper (and/or screen) it is printed on. And not forgetting that Brother Outlaw gone done and kilt my laptop DED, well, things aren't looking too hot right now, and that is not in reference to the weather. I keep forgetting to log the shenanigans of one 'Cutified', who at 22 months has become a dashing young man with a mouth full of teeth and a vocabularly that rivals anyone else his age. Today I went over, and on knocking on the door, he came over, and through the glass door called out: Hi baby! LOL - dude, you are the baby!

But, when I am not happily getting up to all sorts, I read. And it is in my passion for reading that I got met by one very cool human. It was inadvertent on my part, seeing I was too busy rushing home to read my 50c copy of 'Smiley's People' (if you do not know about this book, then you do not need to know about it :) ) and this man sidles up to me outside the book store and asks something unintelligible to my almost always two steps ahead brain. My inward reaction was: 'Why do strangers always insist on picking me to accost?' - One person told me sometime back that I should not complain too much cos there will come a time when no one will look at me twice! Bring it on!

I turn and look at him and beg pardon, he chuckles (you should hear him chuckle) and he says something about noticing me inside and wanted to say hello. By now my interest is about a block away, and he starts making conversation, noticing he has already lost me he goes 'Sasa' - LOL I nearly fell over the curbside. My interest hastily crosses the street and decides to come have a second look. I raise my eyebrow (one) to high heaven (the Rock has nothing on me) and ask what made him think I was Kenyan. His answer: Only a Kenyan woman would look as beautiful as you do!

We chitchat a little - me giving him the Spanish inquisition - and find he is not your average garden variety raised on CNN and FOX American human. He did sound quite intelligent, charming, genuine with his answers with no airs or graces. Oh, and while we were looking, he was quite cute - dark hair, hazel eyes (the most beautiful hazel eyes you will ever see), nice 'I work out often' physique, and a nice smile. Oh and who can beat an admixture of Italian and Irish, eh?

We went on our first 'date' the following day - 'just to get to know each other' - cos I did insist that my life is complicated enough without adding any more humans into the mix - and he was like: This is not a date. Liar! Couple of glasses of Champagne and a great conversation later, we found out that we had so much in common it was incredulous. We even graduated in the same year with the same degree two continents apart - loved the same subjects, hated similar ones (although dude does code, ouch) among other things. Since then we literally became inseparable.

It is just weird though cos from the beginning it was like we had known each other for a long time, like great friends with great chemistry. There has never been an awkward silence or moment between us, and the worst part is we will be having a conversation and when something is at the tip of your tongue and you cant really get to it, then we leave it and then sometime later, even in the middle of the night, one of us will wake up and say it, and the other will be like: Yeah, that's it! - like the conversation was still going on.

He made me swim in the Ocean in the Summer (and I did get dunked, twice - not fair! - he laughed so hard that I had to beat him up while he was still trying to rescue my sorry dunked ass), made me crawl into (dark) caves even though he knows I am afraid of the dark (he says that if I live my life in fear, then I will never live at all - true), made me eat Lobster - ok, 'fed' me lobster - I don't care what anyone says, seeing those crustaceans in a display case is enough to make me go on a hunger strike - but they did taste good (shrug). Tried to get me to touch a snake (not gonna happen) - and a lot of other things that are either too trivial or not printable here for obvious reasons!

It is in the way he looks at me - with pride and admiration (he once told me when I was walking towards him that it is because he cannot believe that I am going to him), like today lunchtime I was running an errand and so was he, but we hadn't spoken for a few days and I am 'jaywalking' LOL, my trademark 'the world does not exist', when I happen to turn and there he was, stuck in traffic, looking at me with 'that look' and a huge grin on his face. Needless to say I had to go get my obligatory hug and kiss in the middle of traffic before going back to work: Bliss!

Or the way his signature greeting is: Hi Beautiful. LOL. I ain't vain but damn, I know he means it when he says it!
Or the fact that whenever he say 'hullo' in his Bostonian accent, a shiver runs through my body, however many hundreds of times he has said it to me!
Or how we fit together like we were molded for each other. Some people are born, others are made. I know what mold I come from.
Or how those hazel eyes flicker from whatever he is concentrating on to me and back before you can say: Eagle eyes! I will be looking at him while he is sleeping, and he can sense it, so he will open his eyes, give me a quick look, chuckle, and go right back to sleep.
Or when he gets me water: I know that sounds trivial but when someone gets up at night to get you a glass of water, or first thing in the morning before making you breakfast - that has got to mean something. Oh and while we are at it, I get told that G, when someone says 'breakfast in bed' they mean you need to stay in bed. LOL

He has changed my perspective on a lot of things that I never even thought about or thought were important. He definitely has restored my faith in the 'good man' perspective because whatever I do, however stubborn or sometimes selfish I become, whenever I am performing below par when it comes to our relationship or life in general, he never wavers in his love and support, even when he says he needs to take a few days off to sort his view, he still takes time to call and check on me.

Wherever this goes, it will go down as one of the relationships that shaped the rest of my life.

I Love You Baby
Thank You for making me strive to be a better person

EEVa

I do not need to deal with 700yrs of 'human garbage' to get to my 'Prince[ss]' - but the fact so much does mirror the fiction.

Earth [Pointing]
This is 'Home'

Shade

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-7DBJfvnHE

It has been an unbelievable three weeks of my life. I have cried - seriously- without any guilt attached to it, for the longest time. Cutified looks at me funny and pokes at my eyes cos he is used to them being so red that he is not sure white (or somesuch colour) is natural. Poor 51/2 tooth.

DABDA (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) doesn't work for me. I only did Anger, Anger, Anger, Depression, and Anger. I know it is early days yet, but heck, I am yet to talk to God - and trust me, blasphemy notwithstanding, this is not gonna be pretty. He and I have a bone to chew - and it ought not to be one that has a modicum of cannibalism attached to it. I did mention anger about 4/5 times, no?

The only Saving Grace has been the incredible 'D' daunting a 3 continent jaunt to get his pretty behind over here so he can give me that 'almighty' signature 'hug' cos he couldn't let me go through something like this without talking to me f2f, but unfortunatemently, I did let him know beforehand that we weren't gonna talk about my dead nephew for God or Country - and he is prone to loyalties - oh, and Royalty; if I were to go down that route - so we were on the same page on that. He commandeered my presence for 24hrs so he can 'pamper' me and get my mind off things - which was not an easy feat to accomplish - and yes, we did it - albeit with a detour to a teary mention - including his 'he has gone to a better place' gaffe that elicited a 'who the 'F' decided he needed to be anywhere else but here - (and who the heck knows whether there is anything out there that he is going be safer in but with what he had here (unvoiced, I should add)).''

He understands 'Merican' better than I am liable to admit.
I, on the other hand, is liable to botch my way through this one
I speak English - take the first shot if you are so inclined
Hands up; I take the piss any chance I get (Literally and figuratively :) )



Anger
I has it
In shades of gray

Over to you
ALMIGHTY

Broken Wings

Take
These broken wings ..
And learn to fly again

(This has taken me days to even think of writing, but, lets proceed .. )

This song is the first thing I thought about when I first let myself think about the fact that you were never going to go: 'Auntie, unajua this and that - lets go find it' - or you wanted me to hang with your friends in a club cos you thought I was the 'coolest' human in our family. Or you wanted to permanently borrow something I owned. Oh, it wasn't borrow, it was 'part of family property to be appropriated at will'. Or when you wanted to show off how cool you were for my 'impression'. Or when ....

You stuck to me like glue whenever I came home - you stuck to me like glue when you were a kid - I was a kid too, but taxed with looking after you cos -- well, I could. Then I went away, and came back to find a man - or rather a man-boy. You always tried to act like you were responsible for my safety or my entertainment or just so you can hang out with me and avoid being given stuff to do.

I may or may not have told you how proud I was for the person you were - you looked after mum - and dad - outside of their kids' presence. You were responsible, but still wanted to be a kid. Wanted to be treated like one when the moment called for it. I know cos I want to be treated like a daughter or a sister sometimes instead of the parent or the 'responsible one'. So we shared that, among other things.

Now, I will never see you again. Ever.
They put you to your resting place yesterday
And I do not even know when the tears are likely to stop
If ever.

Thinking about you dead is probably the hardest thing I ever had to do
Thinking about you in a box, six feet under, is unbearable
This is absolutely the most awful thing that I do not know how to deal with

I will see you again, pal (Thanks for the other night)
I love you forever, Waweru
Now I can never look at my surname the same way again
So sorry to your mum and sister - they are braver than I would know what to do with

(Thank you everyone who sent their condolences - I am sorry that I shut down there for a moment, it is hard as hell, and I am trying - don't give up on me yet)

Did they jump .. or were they pushed?

2009 is here. I have to admit I am glad 2008 is gone - not for any particular reason but I am a happy camper when I encounter new things - and this is one of them. Like everyone else, I sometimes like to revel in old things and surroundings - and sometimes like to immerse myself into the unknown and see how things unravel - much like jump into the deep end and either hold my breath and float, or not, and still float (well, ..some .. or it is ..sam?) :D

I have been a rather annoying 'port (not sure whether I am an 'im' or 'ex'), I have to admit, and I am surprised people still talk to me at all. Notwithstanding the fact that Americans take the whole ''Freedom' .... of Speech' rather literally ....

... let me give you an example

You meet a human through a previously known human (sex not an issue - sorry, I meant gender - but you knew that already, right? Right?). For an insane moment in time you agree to give them your number. And before you can say: 'Do not call me between the hours of 0700 and 0700', they have your phone ringing off the hook - oh and a text message inbetween asking you why you aint picking up your phone. Damn, people. Which part of the constitution detailed that just because you have the 'Free' to speak, means the other person loses their 'Free' to not speak (especially to you)? The part in my constitution that stipulated that I choose who to speak to, when, why or why not, and the part that instituted that the 'Reject' button on the phone is not custom made, or that 'VoiceMail' is really a foreign concept designed by the Europeans to confuse 'the 'Mericans' into thinking that they are speaking to the real owner of that line ..... And do we really have to go into the 'Emergency Services? This is not it'! Routine?


.. I did mention that I have no idea why anyone speaks to me anymore?

Of those annoying traits is the fact that I love English, and I love playing with words - writing them, talking, listening - and the worst part - the most annoying part - is that I hate it when people misuse the spoken and/or written word. Living in America, as in England - you find that if you grew up learning English as a second (or other consecutive) language, you speak it better than the natives (accents notwithstanding), and you write it better (could someone please declare a moratorium on mixing lower and upper cases IN BETweEN WoRds (looks worse handwritten), before I go half crazy and start shouting at 'everyone'? (And do not start me on spelling, we will be here till New Year's Day, 2012).
Even my own mother called my sister today after calling me a few times and told her to tell me that I need to call home, cos I no longer answer my phone. Crap - someone is in trouble? Moi? Nah, I can slither my way out of that one double-quick. Oh, and did I mention that my sister sent me a text cos I didn't answer the phone when she called?

Why do I not answer my phone anymore, you politely inquire?
It is because, unlike heeding my own advice and not using 2 words when 200 can do the most damage, most people try to stretch imparting information to delivering a sermon - and I sure as hell aint the most patient person on the planet, so I prefer to deal with voicemail, or text message - or neither - and/or both - depending on who is imparting this wisdom. And please God, do not let the person phoning be one of those that called to 'say hi' and ended up leaving a five minute voicemail that told me zilch about why they wanted to inquire about my hale and hearty condition. I easily find myself listening to the first 3 words of a voicemail and deleting the offending thing - and then having to - yes, sometimes - tell the offender that I did not actually listen to the whole thing owing to the fact that 'I got bored'. How not nice of me?

I unhappily had to esplain to brother outlaw the other night that 'human things are uninteresting sometimes' - when he hopefully inquired about my 'not very enthusiastic' take on marriage and/or kids. He pointed out that his own sprog - the absolutely incredible and Cutified 'still 4 toothed' humanoid was my favourite person on the planet, and that 'he loves you more than anything else, he stops doing everything when you walk into a room and runs into your arms, how can you not want one of those by now'?

I am good with kids - actually I am good with big people too (has been said) - I just need more downtime than uptime oftentimes with them. I am still my daddy's daughter, I cannot help it. What is even scarier is that I 'always' find people that will do anything to be in my company - and I currently have one that has applied (even to the family) to occupy that position on a permanent basis. I remember looking at him and going: 'Crap, I promised myself not to use the word 'Crap' again in 2009, but I already exhaused my quota for this side of '200?'. I am sure there are more memorable reactions to such utterances than: Me? You sure? Brother Outlaw went: At least you didn't leave the room and run out on him. My reply: I thought it was amusing. He shook his head and told me that he knows I am crazy like that.

Needless to say, I am still musing over the whole amusing thing, albeit with a 'scratching head' acknowledgement that I saw this one coming from the get to, and yes, I am guilty as sin in a confessional. Speaking of confessionals, when is the last time I did a penance? An official one? A 'Catholic Church' sanctioned one!? Was that not at a wedding where .... Oh Crap, here we go!

I cannot promise to stop making up words, and/or phrases in the English Language:

Sneek Preview:

Reciprocal Shutdown: When I have ignored (or not answered for good reasons, I swurr ....) comms and when I get in touch, the other party does a 'Love Lockdown' on my sorry behind. Tres amusement. You know yourselves, fess up or I am reciprocating the ...
Idiosynchronicity: Do we need to define this one? Ok ok! When a person I know displays idiotic or moronic (Oi, quiet over there) behaviour, and then you meet their friend, colleague, relation or otherwise and they just exhibit similar or worse idiotic tendencies??

Free words of the week (and I should take heed)
Incuriosity: (use extensively when dealing with mortals, trust me, you is amissing nothing)
Juvenility: (stay away from said, unless you's I, and reciprocal shutdown doesnt cut the mustard).

Now, off to phone mummy - there is only enough 'RS' - or should that read 'BS'? - that one should allocate to dealing with one's own Mater - segued (I do so love that one) in one's lifetime - without going overboard and ending up as floatsam.

Happy Birthday '4 tooth'

Damn, a year is a short time - you woke up this morning and we had to fight between who had to drink the tea, which, by your declaration, was 'whi' hot. You had woken me up by calling out loud 'tata tata' until I gave up on trying to pretend that I was sleeping through the almighty racket. You have agreed to keep your shoes on, and have learnt to eat things in smaller bites (while not entirely chewing your little fingers off). You think every phone belongs to you, woe unto anyone who thinks that the call actually is for them. You are becoming naughtier by the minute, because you know you are adored adoringly - and that you can get away with 'a whole lot' if that 'boot camp'er' doesn't quarantine both your ass and the rest of humanity for a very long time.

I love you to bits Cutified, and cannot think of my world without you in it
The morning racket we make which wakes everyone
The quick goodnight kisses that makes 'Mrs D' go ballistic cos I woke you
The way you know I am in the room even when I tiptoe and hold my breath - and you jerk your head and give an almighty grin
The kisses - oh them sloppy, drooly, nibblely kisses
Your cutest little face, with its '4 tooth' and big brilliant smile
Are worth all what we have all gone through this year

Dance, baby, dance - oh and while we are at it, lose the chicken dance - it is embarrassing even if you are just One year old.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1IowUGTHDk

AOB: 1. Crap Def: 2008 - Good riddance, although there were riproariously funny moments - but they were few and far between.
2. In Decent Proposal(s) Def: Might denote a marriage proposal, and/or a nomadic existence exemplified by 'an offer you cannot refuse'. Might also ease the feeling that AOB:1, above, needs to be quantified.

Quote of the Year: (not verbatim, mind)..'People are too picky these days - Too fat, too skinny, too tall, too short ... - have a couple of drinks and quit discriminating - Ludacris - One more drink. That line literally has me falling over laughing when I hear it, makes my day - damn man, who you talking to?

Happy 'Whatever it is that the holidays denote for you, including a very 'Live your life' 2009' to all of you.

Nomadic and/or AWOL'd existence in resumption

De-hibernation

I have been weaning myself off of the internet and television - and that has been an eye-opener. Not only have I been reading books that I would otherwise not have read with other distractions, I have also found other ways to spend my free time - constructively.

With that has come some blessings in disguise - or as someone put it, you are a very lucky gal indeed. I always knew that when the time came, it would hit me like an avalanche, and I will be sitting around going: What was that? And I am not sure that would be before or after I have been unearthed from my surreal existence.

See, they say 'the best laid plans ... and all that'. Well, sometimes you have to not make any plans and let fate, God, or whatever other forces in existence take their hit and see what comes out the other end. I am still half-laughing, half-shaking head, half-worried, (are those too many halves? - ah, well), but all in all I am amused, amazed, amalgamated - and to make matters worse, I am actually, seriously, funnily enough, all for it. Jesus God, what in the world is happening to me.

They also say that 'just because things are working well, you should not get too comfortable because they can change in a heartbeat'. I have seen that in action more often than I care to enumerate - and in most cases the changes, though unexpected, have been positive (although we all know a phone call can extinguish bliss faster than a blizzard). The negative ones I tend to let slide cos there is not enough space in my heart/soul/life/patience to accommodate negativity or hatred or bitterness so I move on to other things (oh and people too). They also did say something about 'the best way to get over one person is to get under another' (not literally, mind - but the sentiment stands).

I am continuously amazed at how someone subsisting on less than two hours of sleep a night (most of this confounded by pain so ... well .. painful that I walk around the house at ungodly hours just to escape the bed (and for someone who uses the tag: will sleep for food - this is really really bad)) because of a stupidly trapped nerve on my right foot (no, I dont know how that happened either, and neither do the doctors) can have a mischievous smile on their face every day, have a sunny disposition and actually enjoy spending days (and nights) with other people without actually turning into a vegetable or some sort of nearly ripened fruit :(.

But then God, in his eternal wisdom - did send me a guardian angel, one which I at first took for granted because 'I already have enough friends'. Then, when I thought that life couldn't get less fair to me, He pointed at the guardian angel and went 'walk that way, young one; he will take care of you'. And the rest, as they say, is history. Funny though since I accepted that part of fate/God's plan or whatever was working, things have improved exponentially, and although I cannot point at guardian angel and say he is the root cause of my improved patience, motivation, outlook, bonhomie et al, I can happily say that the change I see within myself is a reflection of what is rubbing off on spending waaaayyyy too much time with someone who is always positive, always caring, generous to a fault, happy, good in all the right ways, motivated, hardworking, focused, brilliant - with a simplicity born of being confident in themselves and how the world pertains to who they are. Someone who does not need to please anyone to fit in, someone who doesn't need to conform to any stereotype, to any class, to any expectations of the norm to define themselves. I am awed sometimes - ok, I give, oftentimes - with his patience, that I feel like I am a spoilt brat (which I seriously am, and he is making it worse by the day) - but then I make an effort to keep in step with him so as not to fall back to old habits and deeds that saw me free-falling into an abyss - or the purgatory that is 'friendship' - or as I call it 'fried sheep'.

Ah, the best laid plans come to the fore again. I am not making plans, I am not raising a timetable, I am not issuing demands or expectations. I will ride the tide, I will peacefully make my way down to the end of the runway, I will turn on the engines full-throttle, rev them a little bit for posterity, and then engage the after-burners and ..... well, after lift-off, 'we' will be off to the ether where 'we' will have carte blanche to mould this life into what we want it to be.

God Help Me, Amen
PS: Who knew?

AOB: Love and all the best to the very special M (and his Bride) on this joyous occassion. Be blessed people, you are loved. I am waaaayyy over here taking notes, knowwhatimean? :D